I’m feeling good! December 4, 2011

Hello Everyone or 1 or 2 people who read this,

Sorry I haven’t posted for so long. I have been actually very happy since my last post, the shoplifting incident. I have been eating well, and I have not lost any weight. However, I can not say I have gained weight either. I have limited my activity but I have not increased my portions, so I think that I need to do that. I am going to add food in the morning. But you know what is great? I have a LIFE now! I am seeing friends, talking to some guys from (yes, pathetically Match.com…) Well is that pathetic? There are lots of successful and good-looking guys on there! And a ton of dorks, but whatever. I heard that both Jennie McCarthy and Carrie Ann Inaba met their boyfriends from Match. Furthermore, my gorgeous friend (who was in treatment with me) Heather, also met her guy from Match, and they are still dating! So I think it is just the way of the future to meet people. One guy I really like. He seems great, but I don’t want to get my hopes up, so I am going to keep them way down. I am going in to my negative thinking with, “Oh, he won’t like me. I’m not as good as him, not as good-looking, successful, smart etc…” but that is BS I am just as good. I am great. I am nice. I am smart. I am pretty. I am now very honest. I am working on being a better person. What more can I do to be better than that? I am actually very proud of myself recently. It feels SO great to be honest, and not be worried that you will get caught. That HIGH you get when Purging or Stealing is gone. Now, I just feel guilty if it would happen. It is true. “There is no softer pillow than a clean conscience.” – Mr. Volta, Geometry teacher than I disliked in high school. I guess he was very intelligent. I think that I will go to church tomorrow at Stanford. It is important to look towards a higher power. You feel less alone, and whatever you do, you know someone is watching. There have been too many times where I prayed to God and he has answered my prayers, so I know he is out there. Furthermore, how can science explain humanity? It is too perfect, too randomly put together. This is not the creation of science, this is the creation of a God. I am working on my way to believing that completely. Anyways, I just had my snack, and I have to eat dinner by myself because M&P are at a holiday party for the boss. I went out to dinner myself yesterday, too. I did not dislike it at all. In fact, it is kind of fun. I am not in the high that I was yesterday in regards to my mood. I am just okay…I was invited to go to the city tonight, and today but I went Christmas shopping at the mall instead. I had a good time, and I can always go tomorrow. Sunday traffic should be better, too. Anyways, I am going to eat at Little Mad Fish tonight. I probably shouldn’t because I am only choosig that bc of the calories. Ill let you know what happens later.

Staying Positive,

Sonia

 

 

I got caught December 4, 2011

Yes, I finally got busted for stealing. Thank GOD. It was a relief, because I now know that I can’t do it anymore. It’s the same as asking someone to watch me eat. to be held accountable basically. I feel bad about it all, but really, what can I do except move forward and never do it again? I did it to feel a high, to fill a void, to feel good for just a bit, to have something nice, to get away with the system and get things for free while other ppl shelled out their hard-earned cash. But it is illegal, and I never want to be in the slammer again. It isn’t fun, and it isn’t worth it. I should just comply with the rules of life and be like everyone else. I don’t need a 1500 dollar coat. I can pay for my groceries. It actually feels kind of nice to not be so sneaky. Really really nice. Even nicer than getting expensive things. And when I want the expensive things, I need to tell myself – i don’t NEEd them. and the moderately priced things, i can save up for. Stealing isn’t worth it. Being a criminal and feeling on edge is NOT worth it. Plain and Simple, I am not going to steal again. Is this clear enough to everyone? I know it is wrong. I know it is immoral. I know it is dumb as fuck. So it won’t happen. Now let me focus on my eating, or I will use this issue to isolate and be unhealthy. ANd THAT is a BIG problem.

I went on a date! November 28, 2011

Well I have been doing much better, I am happy to say. I went out with Dan, and I had a great time. I think I might actually like him a little bit, which I haven’t been able to say when i wasn’t eating. When you don’t eat, everything is so much more stressful because your actual chemical and hormone imbalances don’t allow you to enjoy yourself. Not only do you feel shaky and sick, but you feel grumpy and alone and depressed. I am not saying that I am perfect and fine now, but at least I am headed in the right direction. If in my recovery at 1/10 I feel this much better, than think how I will feel when my weight and health is at a 10/10. People always say it is about your feelings, not the food. But for an underweight, anorexic girl, that is just not true. It IS about the food, because the food impacts your feelings and changes your actually chemical brain makeup.

Anyways, I am also proud of myself because I have been making contracts with myself, such as setting walking speed and hour quotas as well as sitting quotas. This makes me feel more in control over these exercise addictions I have, so when I am sitting, I know it is what I MUST be doing, rather than feeling guilty about sitting when I could be standing. I am also moving much more slowly. I drive slower, eat slower, do my chores slower, walk slower, and make sure everything is done with more concentration and focus, rather than just moving quickly to burn calories. This makes life much less stressful.

All I can do is to hope that I can continue on this path. One thing that I must do is to make sure that I do not lower any intake even though I am lowering my activity level. The goal is to increase intake and lower activity, so I gain weight. Otherwise, I am just kicking myself in the foot once again. Is that the saying? or biting myself in the ass… anyways… screwing myself over, there we go. Now I am doing better at “eating for myself”. I don’t eat to prove to others, and I don’t feel the need to eat in public.

Anyways, I hope that today is a good day. I hope that Dan will send me a message or invite me out somewhere. Now I actually want to go. I hope he didn’t like what I did or said when we hung out. haha I like how the tables have turned. but furthermore, I hope that this feeling of some tiny degree of attraction does not disappear, but rather expands. Anyways, I am watching a show on lions, my favorite animal right now, it’s the only thing on my limited number of non-cable channels.

I will probably write another blog entry this evening. Let’s hope it doesn’t start out with, “ARGH I FEEL HORRIBLE!” or “I am sad”. But then again I feel like I have some degree of say in determining the outcome of my day. If I remain positive and eat my meals, the day should go fairly well. If I am a bitch and skimp on meals and snacks, I am sure the day will suck. So, knowing that I have some degree of power over my future, I will say this: I hope that I can make sure my day goes well.

Hoping/Working for a good day,

Love Sonia

How do you get happy? November 24, 2011

My day today was ehhh…It started out good and the middle was not so great. My mom and I got in a little spat, nothing huge, but we just split and went our own ways which was good. Lunch was good. I ate a burger and fries at Johnny Rockets and it was yummy. But after lunch, I ALWAYS feel so tired! I thought that food was supposed to give you energy, not make you sluggish and feel annoyed. I don’t get it…Maybe my body is just not used to it yet. Who knows…(5 min. later) I researched it online just now actually and it is bc of the blood rushing to your stomach and away from your head. Then there were all these stupid tips to make it better, like “eat less” and “don’t eat so much fat and carbs” and “exercise after eating”. Wow, talk about not helping at all. Anyways, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but we are not going to celebrate until the rest of the family get here on Friday so tomorrow will just be another day. Nothing will be open unfortunately, except the theater, so I will probably watch “The Descendants” which got good reviews. Tonight the whole family is going out to eat which is nice. I am going to try my hardest to be happy and upbeat at dinner. Like yesterday. Remember how I said I felt like I got a lot of energy around 8:00? I hope the same happens today! I like to be happy. And when it happens, I realize it. It just doesn’t happen that often. I don’t agree that you can choose to be happy all the time. You can choose to not be mean, or not act certain ways, but being happy is a state of being which is influenced by little cells and scientific things going on in your brain with serotonin and whatnot…My meds may help a bit, but ultimately my body must be fully nourished and healthy before I know how I REALLY am as a person, how my mood really is without being harmed by malnourishment. Anyways, I am going to go now, and do what I said I was going to do – be positive.

Love,

Having a blah-day Sonia

Virgin America Interview November 22, 2011

Well it has been a tough 2 days. But hey, I learned something very important about myself, and why these 2 days have been so difficult – I NEED to have a schedule that does NOT change too much. Therefore, working at Virgin America is a horrrible idea for so many reasons. Anyways, the reason my schedule was so screwed up was because I had an interview for Virgin America this morning at 8 a.m., so I had to get up at 7, and sleep earlier. This meant that my dinner, snack, breakfast – all of it was messed up. It was so messed up that I felt shitty from not sleeping enough and not eating properly the day before. I could not fit in dinner AND snack, so I skipped one which is really really bad. I feel so guilty about it. But I shouldn’t feel guilty. All I should feel is that I learned from the mistake, and I realize now what I can not take on. Working at Virgin America, I would have to constantly be on what they call “reserve” and would have 24-hour work schedule. That means that I would have to be ready and half-awake and half-alert to see when I need to jump out of my bed and fill in for someone etc…It would be great if I could do this, and I am sure many people can, but I am not going to take on a job that would literally kill me, when tons of women are more than happy to fill these positions. Anyways, I was even tempted to skip my lunch today, but I did not. In fact, I am going to get RIGHT back on track, and have my snack and full dinner and full dessert/night snack. I already feel much weaker than the previous days because I have restricted my intake and that is not good at all. I know that I have not gained any weight in the past few days, and this is really bad. I need to get back on the wagon and start inching up again. School is not that that stressful, because I learn to not procrastinate on things. I am just writing and writing, I don’t even care how good or bad it is, as long as it is done! Anyways, other than doing not-so-hot the past 2 days, not much is going on. This is my first “relapse”. It’s funny, before I only used the term “relapse” when I threw up, but now because that is so not a problem I use the term “relapse” to mean not eating enough, even when I am eating all 3 meals a day! “RELAPSE” now refers to not eating enough to GAIN weight, not just maintain it. This is a good thing. This means that my priorities are in a better order. Too long, I am going to end this. I had lunch alll by myself and now i am going to eat my snack.

Love, Sonia, learning more about herself

I thought this was interesting November 21, 2011

Maybe this will help me get these stupid diet rules out of my head.

Eating Chinese Food November 18, 2011

Can I sit through Twilight: Breaking Dawn? November 18, 2011

It is Friday morning, and the Twilight Saga comes out today. I have been planning on seeing it for awhile. But now I am having problems with the whole “sitting through a movie thing”. It is so dumb. I don’t know if anyone has these same exercise addictions as me, but I feel like sitting is bad, especially when you can be standing. I try to make a minimum number of “sitting hours” a day to force myself to sit. So I try to be sitting and driving in the car for at least 2 – 3 hours a day (driving to the dog park, driving home, sitting at lunch etc…) movies are particularly hard bc they are so long and all at once. This may seem ridiculous to some people, or maybe some ppl can understand who are struggling with this same thing. Anyways, I am determined to change my mindset and allow sitting to be okay. Yesterday was good food-wise. I had my entire bowl of Pho at lunch and even ate by myself. I had my snacks, and then I had a burger and fries for dinner. I ate the whole burger and the 15 (thick-cut) fries at Johnny Rockets which I was told to eat. One disordered thing I did though was taking off some of the bread, just like a miniscule amount, because I saw my mom had done it. However, these little skimping behaviors are bad for several reasons. One, because it was a comparison thing. If she didn’t put those pieces aside, I would not have. Second, it is because I little bit of skimping leads to more and more and more and eventually relapse. Third, somehow I feel better when I don’t finish absolutely all of what I am supposed to, even if it is just a few calories. In my head, it feels like I am beating something, getting away with something, and makes me feel a little better. But this kind of thinking is completeeely eating disordered and should NOT be okay. What I have been good at is making up the difference later. I have also found that saying the mantra that I mentioned last time “FULL IS NOT FAT” really helps. I know that I have to gain weight, and feeling full is part of the recovery process. In fact, if I did NOT feel too full, then I would be doing something wrong. Anyways, my goals today are as follows:

1) I will sit through the movie that I have been wanting to see for a long time

2) I will not “make-up” the sitting by eating less

3) I will remain easy-going and calm and a nice person to be around

4) I will drive defensively.

5) I will try to remain optimistic.

There are a ton more things I could put down, but I feel that it is important to work on a few every day, or else you will be overwhelmed and not do any of them. I will let you know how the day goes this evening

Love,

Hoping for a Good Day Sonia

Recovery without weight gain is not recovery November 18, 2011

Well yesterday was definitely a bit difficult for food and an argument with my mom. Thankfully both ended well. About the argument – basically it was about the same old things as the past – me having trust/blame issues. I get angry when people don’t believe me, when people aren’t exactly how I want them to be, not as nurturing or caring etc… And I really explode. It is so hard for me to forgive. And when I explode, I really really explode. But the good news is, I was able to realize this and fully apologize. I took full blame for my behaviors and it felt good to have closure and peace about something that could have really ruined my entire day. Instead, I went out to lunch and had that DEEP FRIED falafel. oh dear, that made me so full, and I felt it the entire day. But I still had my snacks and dinner and snack. I did it because I need to. Furthermore, on the scale this morning my weight was up a bit. I think I need to stop weighing myself, because it does indeed affect my mood, and until I am anywhere NEAR my target weight range, it is not important. I am so far behind what I need to be, but I still absolutely hate seeing the number go up. When the number stays the same, I know it is not good, but I still have that feeling of accomplishment. It is a distorted feeling of accomplishment, because deep down I know it is not good. I am reading a book by Carolyn Costin, a famous woman in the world of eating disorder recovery who recovered by herself and founded Monte Nido, a rehab center. 2 things I read which are helping me are 1) Full is not Fat. and 2) Recovery without weight gain is not recovery. Therefore, every morning that number on the scale SHOULD be going up. Not staying the same. Anyways, today I am not going to skimp on any meal, and I hope that the scale reads blankblankblank —2.0 or above. I don’t want to put the number to trigger anyone. But that would be the best thing, and I should be very proud if that is the case. I should only hope to feel as full as yesterday with no feelings of hunger without feeding myself.

Love,

Convincing Myself Sonia

Emotions and Food November 16, 2011

Today was an emotional roller coaster with my parents. Let’s just put it at this… I wish they could just be proud of me. Like a REAL proud, an ecstatic, bear-hugging, tears streaming down their faces, call every relative they know kind of proud. I wish they could do this just for my decision to recover. or really just anything…I hate that I always feel it necessary to show them my A papers or positive emails from my teachers just to get a little bit of a “good job”. I wish more importantly that I didn’t seek that kind of approval and that it could come from within, but I think that a child needs that. And although I am no longer a child, AS a child I didn’t really receive that. I think it’s mostly their culture…the Asian, you can never be good enough, we don’t need to show our love and approval kind of culture. Let’s just say that I was probably raised by the wrong parents…oh well. I have been reading self-help books and a good piece of advice is you can’t choose your parents, so you have to find a way to be happy with the ones you have. I was just about to type “You know, I’m probably the stupid bratty kid over-reacting”. But that is EXACTLY the kind of thing I need to stop saying over and over in my head. It is that kind of thinking and rhetoric that makes me hurt myself. All negative talk and blame, from others and from myself, brings the evil ED out. So I am going to shut them off tonight. There is no point in it. Life is to FUCKING short. Today I had 4 slices of pizza, and I could tell that was MUCH more substantial than my previous 2 lunches, because I did not even want snack! But I had it anyways. The other days I was craving food, but today it was opposite, I was thinking “Should I even have a snack?” but i did, so good for me. Food has been okay thank goodness. I don’t think I could handle a day of emotionally draining talk and emotionally draining food-thoughts. Anyways, I am supposed to have the entire half-plate of my pad see-ew, so I am going to eat all of it, and then I am also going to eat ALL of my night snack, even though I am not hungry. I need to stick with it. It really was much easier to be happy and content when I was just with my sister or her and her bf. My mom and dad exude such negative energy. It’s weird, bc sometimes they will be all giddy and happy and playing with the kitties and puppies, but then the next day or moment they will be sullen and negative (usually about something bad I did or just worry about me). It’s really frustrating to know that I am causing all of this, but more annoying that their negative feelings rub off on me and make me do WORSE. ppl often say “fake it till you make it”. I wish even when they are disappointed they would just fake it. I think it would help everyone. it helps me sometimes, who knows…I’ll let you know how I am doing tomorrow.

Love,

An emotionally drained Sonia